One Year Ago Tonight

Confessions From A Work-At-Home Mom: To The Child I Didn't Plan To ...

We conceived you exactly one year ago tonight. Some might think it strange I know the exact date, but I do. First of all, it was the only time during that entire month we, ahem, got it on; secondly, I remember the stormy night clearly because I had called in sick to work on what I can now fully admit was a "mental health day." I think that's what you might call I maintained this cruel stance for the first 14 weeks of my pregnancy. For 14 weeks, when someone congratulated me on my pregnancy, I cringed; when I tried to explain to that unexpecting person that you were an accident, they cringed. I felt constantly nauseated, throwing up more in that first trimester than I had in my entire life up to that point; I was convinced I was poisoning you with my negativity from the inside out, the vomit a physical symptom of my emotional state. (As you can see by the picture at right, that fear was totally unfounded; Baby C has constantly worn a smile, showing off his easy laugh, almost since the day he was born.) Had you been a girl, we would have named you Faith Catherine. The reason is simple: that single word symbolized my entire pregnancy up to that point, and really, beyond. Learning you'd join our family was a test of my faith. It shook me to the core. It made me doubt everything I thought I was and everything I wanted to be. It made me realize that I was not in control of my life -- not by a long shot -- and that the only way out of the dungeon I'd carved for myself was to look to God. He was the only one in control of what happened to me, to you; and He doesn't make mistakes -- He makes blessings . From that point on, I worked to put my faith in Him. I trusted that he knew what was best for me, for you, for our family. This was not an immediate, overnight conversion. At times, like Thomas, I still doubted. Even as I carried you into the 40th week of pregnancy, I wasn't wholly convinced; I'd have to (metaphorically) touch your hands and feel the hole in your side.

As I read this post, I cried. I was in your exact shoes a little less than a year ago. My husband and I were done having kids (we had 2 - a girl and a boy) and in September of last year, we found out that we were having a third. I was completely devastated. I was in denial. I hated to hear people say "Congrats". I was terrified. And now, I couldn't be happier. We have a beautiful baby girl (born in April) who does nothing but smile and light up our lives. Its amazing how God knows exactly what we can handle whether we think we can or not! Congrats on your "blessing"!

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